ribsinbacon

Since I was nudged, I might as well write. I find it hard these days to write, mainly because it's usually about myself. The last thing I want is to be seen as superficial. To be honest with you, I have been finding it hard to be expressive for a while. Maybe that's part of the reason why I feel a little bit awkward in situations.

I've also been think a lot about life in general, mainly about what I want in general. Women, mainly, not in a sexual sense, but in relationship sense. The question I keep asking myself is what could a woman possibly see in me? I'm a neurotic geek who likes to keep a routine. I realize that I have to get out more and meet new people and take risks. To be honest with you though, I know my personality isn't the best type, It can be quite abrasive and in fact annoying. It sickens me to hear from friends that they're all talking about what I did (as if it was something embarrassing or annoying.) I'm reminded of my rocky horror days when I would be told that I was talked about for something, most likely because of my attempt at humor or what not. I really liked that time, however I wish I would have been more mature in how I handled myself in those days.

I find life in this moment to be uneventful and rather lack luster. I'm trying to get my hands on a pod-casting mixing board and microphone kit. I don't know what kind of format I'm going to do, but to be honest I think it would be easier to express how I feel that way instead of writing. It's hard for me to write out my frustrations, or even my annoyances in general. My Mom says that I'm rather good at expressing my opinion when I feel comfortable (even if my opinion may be wrong.)

I'll write more later, but to be honest, I feel like I'm complaining, and people get sick of that. Remind me to write about my social tendencies.

The dog that my parents have had for years (We got him when I was a sophomore in HS) had to be put down this morning. Last November he had tumors removed, they gave him 6 months to live... The cancer spread to his brain which started him to have seizures. This morning it go to the point where it was time to do the right thing... Rightfully, my parents took him in as soon as the Vets opened, and then they took the whole day off.

I'm gonna miss the old boy. Even though he had bad health in his last year, he was still quite functional. Sure he slept all day, but his wits were about him. Sure he lost his hearing a few years back, but he dealt with it quite well.

This makes me realize that there's no going back to my "youth." Time keeps marching on.

1. We should really hang out some time:  This is just something we say to each other to acknowledge past friendships, we've moved on, or gotten so busy that we really don't have time, or we just don't want to see each other again.  We've moved past our friendship/relationship.
2.  I'll Find someone nice for you:  Usually this is said to me by a lady friend who is a)drunk, or b)insincere or c)Saying it to shut me up or D)Says it but forgets they say it and moves on with whatever is really important in there life.
3. I love you: It's never meant when said during an intimate act.  I never try to say such things when doing so.
4. I'm calling you out:  You're not really calling me out.   What you're doing is hoping that what I said is wrong, but you really can't prove that I'm wrong.  If you had the proof that I was wrong in my argument you'd just come out and give the points of why I am wrong

More to this list later.  Just felt I had to write something.

My Ten year high school reunion was this past Saturday.   To be quite honest, it was the best night I have had in a long time.  I didn’t know what to completely expect to see, besides the shock of my weight loss success, I didn’t know what the overall mood would feel like.

Too be fair, I have been running in my head what I’ve been and done in the past ten years.  I’ve wondered if I’ve done enough, been in enough places, and made new experiences.  I’ve felt regrets not expressing what I feel, and how I feel.  I’ve felt regrets not doing what I should have done sooner.  Then my mind rushed back to high school, the sense of angst and lonesome abandonment that plagued my mind for a few weeks.  The longing to belong, the desire to the guy that girls liked, and guys could be friends with.

I was quite surprised with how much fun I had that night.  It seemed like those ten years did all of us a great service.  It made us all grow up and become the people we always should have been.  I felt quite confident that night, and it felt good being able to brag about my weight loss success.  It felt great telling people how I walked that path, and earned that badge quite honestly.  I made sure to try to say hi to everyone, and make sure to have as much conversation as possible.  I expected quite a few people to not recognize me, and sure enough a few people didn’t, others have seen my photos on facebook, and still I was told that the photos did no justice.

I even got to talk to someone that grew up from down road all through my childhood.  It was nice to see that he became pretty successful in his life.  To see that be had a nice family, and that he was happy.

I’ve learned from that night that I need to go out more, and engage more people and just be in that moment.  This is a lesson I learned a few years ago, but then the world came crashing down on my shoulders again.  That weight feels lifted and freed.

I feel happy again. 

p.s My cousin’s wedding is next month.  This could be a good time to use what I’ve relearned about myself. 

two-five-zero-zero-zero

Isolation

I need to get out more.  I just do.  I'm sick of the isolation.  I do this to myself. Why?  Most likely it stems from fighting with negativity and the emotions I opened my self up to through the weight loss.  I know it sounds hacky, and a typical thing to say, but here goes.  Most of my life I dealt with rejection, sadness and negative feelings through eating.  When I started hitting my stride, I was at the top of my game when it come to being social.  Then when I hit that wall with people I thought of as friends saying things I couldn't believe they would say to or about me, it reactivated something in me I had done for years:  Isolate myself, and just not deal with people in general.  

I've talked about it in general but I have to reiterate my flawed logic.  When I get hurt.  I shut out people in general.  I'm getting sick and tired of feeling like I'm going nowhere with life.  My mental state is currently at the point that If I don't start meeting people (more like women) I'll die alone with really no one in my life that I can call "friends."  Which leads me to another point--

Sexuality(eat me beat me, I'm a pig)

Some people thing I'm asexual.  Simply for the fact I haven't had a real relationship since before the weight loss.  Truth is I'm not.  I haven't really accessed my interest in women as much as I should, but that' also goes with the isolationism/antisocial behavior I exude.  I won't go into details, but I' have been taking risks lately.  I won't give you details, but I can for fact say that I have been taking risks.  Some that make me feel filthy, some that don't.  I have wrestled with in the past and continue to feel guilt in the past in general.  I don't know why I feel this way.  Perhaps being the fat kid all your life can do that with you.  I hate making excuses, but maybe that would explain it.  Not until when I started losing weight, did I really start feeding into part of my brain.  The part where I could accept the fact that maybe somewhere out there, I might actually find a woman who finds me in fact desirable.  Seeing yourself as a mess of a human being, and something that disgusts everyone else really warps your brain.

 
Other Random Crap

I like turtles.  Oh yeah, I didn't double check this, so if something doesn't look right, I'm sorry.  I just felt like writing off the top of my head about where my head is at.  Thankfully it's still attached to my neck and shoulders, and not in my lap.

So Friday I had off-- nothing too eventful.  I went to the dentist's and had my teeth cleaned.  Met the hygienist for the first time, and she wanted to get to know me better.  I gave her the details weight loss etc.  She then wanted to know if I was dating anyone.  When I replied no, she then asked me a few questions, gave me a bunch advice and what not.  Its kind of odd.  Lately women have been giving me dating advice, I guess someone in their late 20's who's single get that kind of thing.

Friday night I went to the race track (Madison International Speedway) because Dad called and asked if I'd like to go.  Going to the racetrack every now and then is a guilt y pleasure.  It reminds me of being younger, going to Rockford Speedway, and watching one of my dad's former co-workers race. Of course there's the world famous Trailer races.  The races where fun to watch, plus it was cheap entertainment, and the weather was great!

Lets skip to Sunday.  Sunday afternoon, I got a call from my dad that the dog my parents have had since the 9th grade wasn't doing well.  He had a growth removed from his paw just before thanksgiving, they took X-Rays and found growths also.  They removed the tumor from his paw, but until recently it came back.  The growth is now massive.  Over the weekend he wasn't getting up, he only did get up a few times.  Obviously he's in pain, and he's at a point where he doesn't have much time... This isn't going to be easy for my mom, that's her baby.

Three years ago, is when I hit my original goal weight (I lost more than that of course.)  I'm glad that I can say that I haven't put it back on.  Seriously though, I don't want to go back to the way I was.  The way I felt when people looked at me.  Now (More so now because of trying to reframe the way I think) I can just live today, and stop worrying about the future.  

Today for memorial day, I ate a little bit extra than usual, simply because the parents used the grill.  Its only one day, and I know that I just get back to what I was doing the next day.  There's not much more to say, but I am looking into gear for podcasting, and I'm still thinking about who I want to do the podcast with.  Someone I can banter back and forth with.

Went downtown to Stoughton yesterday.  It looks better than I remember it.  Must be how you see things the older you get... I should go see the new Star Trek some time.  Perhaps next weekend. (if weather is bad.)  Did some house cleaning today.  Felt pretty productive for a day off :P

Werewolf Awareness Month!

Please, remember to do your part!  Be on the look out for Werewolves, and protect yourself from the possibility of an attack.  Make sure you travel in groups.  Do NOT travel in the woods alone. 

If you suspect one of your friends is in fact a werewolf, you should keep your distance from them.  Remember, you could be their next meal!

So, I guess I should write something, seeing as A) I’m bored, and B) it is raining.  And C) I haven’t put something up here in such a long time that it’s gone into decay.  Flies are eating out of it’s ass as we speak. 

 

I’m trying to find the creative spark again.  I have a few ideas, one is to podcast, and however I would need to purchase a nice mixing board and microphone to have a decent set up.   I would also need to find a partner to do it with.  Someone I have good chemistry with, and can “play ball with.”  I have another idea, but I really don’t want to talk about it, perhaps I’ll hint about it later on, and possibly create something with the website I haven’t touched in ages.

 

I was given a complement recently; someone told me I was handsome.  It’s nice to get a compliment.  However, I really don’t feel handsome or good looking at all.  I’ve come to look at life that if I girl smiles at you, that’s all it means.  I so do not want to be that “DUDE I THINK SHE LIKES ME!” douche that we all know.  To be quite honest I am not good at reading women’s advances, socially I can tell if a girl is angry, upset or happy etc, but when dealing with me, I just can’t read it.  It happens, oh well.  I think my mom might be giving me a few hints that she’s not getting younger (she just hit the big 50.)  We (the family) went out to Texas Roadhouse for dad’s 50^th a few weeks back, and she complimented the fact I had good eye contact with the waitress. 

 

“She’s pretty cute don’t you think?”  She’s not bad Mom, what are you getting at?  Are we trying to get at something here?  We rib each other, that’s how are family is, it’s nice to have a sense of humor about ourselves.  I get the hint that she’s throwing out.  She’s concerned about my welfare, that’s what a mother does though, I get that.  Dad on the other hand isn’t really too worried about me.  As he knows I can take care of myself.

 

In other news, I feel a lot happier.  The whole winter, I felt very depressed and dejected.  I really didn’t want to do much of anything, with anyone.  To be honest, when the sun is out—I am out.  I feel a lot more connected to nature in some strange way.  Not spiritually, as I don’t feel spiritual at all.  I’d like to be that, I’d like to find that connection with someone else.  I am trying to be an optimist in my daily life as well.  I’m thankful that I have a job, and I’m up on the list in seniority at my area.  If I were to get laid off, on the other hand that’s not bad either.  I could always be dead.

 

If I have anything more to add, I will do so in the following days.  Sorry about the bad grammar, I try my best.  I hope you are all doing well in life, or at least doing your best.

That you all enjoyed regular Friday, and have a decent Saturday.  May all of you who follow the giant candy giving bunny have a good weekend.  I really should do more with these updates, however I want it to be more positive rather than puke out something that screams negativity. 

I hope this coming spring, the weather will inspire me to meet up with people.  My mindset is in a more happier place now that it is a lot sunnier out.  Perhaps meet some beautiful girls at the kit-cat club.

A Happy Saint Fuglin's day, today, and Tommorow!  Root beer floats for all!

My weekend is here.  I have a vacation day tommorow.  I'll have to find stuff to keep my entertained.

Remind me to update this later today.... or in the week.

Quick question.  Any of you people play GTA 4 on the PC? If so I'd like to play online with people I know.

Just a short update, I am building a new computer.  For some reason, I enjoy it enough to do it everytime I want to get a new one.  When people ask me to build them one, and expect me to not get paid for doing it, I stop enjoying it.  


That is all for now, I'm going to bed.

So, I guess I should give a little detail on what exactly this whole thing is about.  I really guess, its about the fact that I haven't had a real true relationship since... my early 20's.  Cripes, whats wrong with me?  I don't know what the fuck it is, but some how I've got to un-fuck thyself.  This whole weight loss thing was supposed to fix it.  But so far it hasn't.  I let someone's "friendly" ill will a few summers ago cause so much commotion in my life, that it totally negated the positive force going my direction.  

This whole empty is the fact I'm feeling like I should have someone in my life that makes me feel like I have a meaning.  I guess what I'm saying is, that I feel like I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.  Which is most likely the biggest fear of my life.  Well, if you count aluminum siding- the second biggest fear.

I know some people reading this are going to want to make some "shut up and get out there" or some snarky ass hole laden response.  Just don't, its not welcome, most likely you feel just as empty as I do.  I hope you get cancer, and only cancer.

I think that's enough for now.  But this whole empty feeling has been going on for a long time.  I guess I'll find my path some way.


P.S.  No this isn't about religion if it wasn't that obvious.  Its about girls- stupid.